It’s a recession. Unless Obama offers Fandango subsidies, going out to the movies is going to stay expensive. So save some money and get your Howard Hughes on.
Every Friday, we’ll discuss quasi-free movies you can watch right now on Instant Netflix or Comcast OnDemand without the bourgeois bother of getting dressed.
So hunker down, grab some Cheetos and shutter yourself from the Hoth-like Pittsburgh winter. This is the immediate gratification of all cinematic impulses.
TBR: "The Lost Boys"
Thu at 20:04pm on Mar 18th, 2010
This week in TReelville: "The Lost Boys"
One day I was talking to a friend about wanting one sequel in life: “Gremlins 3: Gizmo’s Descent” Five weeks later Corey Haim dies. Coincidence? No way.
The ‘80s are beckoning me. For the rest of the semester, the theme for TReelville: Movies you missed if you were born in the ‘90s.
‘80s parties suck because the ‘80s sucked. Ronald Reagan was strangling hobos. Kid ‘n Play existed. But the movies were a bright spot in history’s 10-year vacuum.
Before you say, “Hey, Dave, what about [insert your favorite ‘80s movie which you think nobody else ever saw and is probably called ‘Labyrinth’],” hear me out. This isn’t about another stroke for “The Breakfast Club,” “The Never-Ending Story” or “Beetlejuice.” No matter when you were born, you should have seen the entire John Hughes catalogue, as well as “Little Shop of Horrors” and other classics.
These are a different variety. These are what’s going to be on “It’s Alive!” in 50 years. Hunker down.
First up, in honor of Haim, 1987’s “The Lost Boys.” Haim and Corey Feldman once ran these streets. They were two teenage boys doing drugs and women while America wrote their hagiographies. How could this go wrong?
Well, it goes wrong. For Sam (played by Haim), it’s when he and his family move to a California town filled with vampires led by a bleached-mullet-rocking Kiefer Sutherland. They all look like extras from “Battlefield Earth.” Luckily, Edgar Frog (Feldman) wears a Rambo headband, because otherwise he wouldn’t know how to kill these blood-sucking hobgoblins.
But, like Reaganomics, it’s not that simple. Sam’s brother, Michael (Jason Patric), loves Captain Vampire’s girlfriend, so they square off in a battle of who can wear the longer earring in their left ear (because it’s the ‘80s and right ear = definitely gay).
Michael falls for Star (because it’s the ‘80s and nature names = thinking outside the box) when they’re at a beach party. It’s probably due to the siren song being played by a shirtless, oiled-up sax player with a ponytail who taunts Kenny G every night and was completely ripped off by Andy Samberg’s “Sergio” sketch.
Michael does anything to impress Star, which really should just amount to being a not-vampire but is actually hanging with the vampire bad-asses. You can tell they are bad-asses because they have earrings (in one ear only!!!), ride dirt-bikes fast and eat Chinese food (which wasn’t yet accepted in the ‘80s).
He becomes a half-vampire and has a three-way with Star and her perm, while the best song in the history of mankind screeches in the background: Thou Shall Not Faaaalllllllllllll.
He flies and thirsts for blood, yet he won’t get his vampire black-belt until he finally feeds on the flesh of the living. But then he finds out that Star is also a half-vampire, which makes things weird.
Michael, Sam and the Frog Brothers set out to kill all the vampires to set all the halfies free. It’s a wild adventure that peaks with a Clash of the Mullets involving a wall full of antlers.
The great thing about “The Lost Boys” is that, in the ‘80s, it was legitimately scary and cool. The vampires, including Bill from “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure/Bogus Journey,” were trend-setting rebels. And Corey Feldman was the James-Deaniest of them all. He wasn’t a vampire, but he was King Renegade in the ‘80s and Corey Haim was his squire.
Watch “The Lost Boys” tonight if you want to forget “The Two Coreys” and remember why the two Coreys were awesome. R.I.P. Monsieur Haim, and thank you for this masterpiece.
TBR: Nazi zombies play in the snow
Thu at 20:03pm on Feb 25th, 2010
This week in TReelville: “Dead Snow”
The streets keep on callin’ me back. I can’t stay away from zombie movies, and with radical films like “Dead Snow” there’s no reason to.
This 2009 Norwegian opus briefly played at the Harris in Pittsburgh, and it was just released for Instant NetFlix on Tuesday. If you missed it before, watch it now. Watch it while you’re eating hamburger. Actually, watch it while you’re eating Nazi hamburgers.
“Dead Snow” is a campy movie about a group of young adults, horny on a 1970s-What-are-STDs?-level, who go to an isolated cabin to snowmobile and make bad decisions. Their escapades are soon interrupted by a man who says there is gold in them thar hills. Nazi gold. And it’s protected by Nazi zombies who sound a lot like Nazi pirates.
You might be thinking, “Dave, what’s the big deal with Nazis?” I’m glad Theoretical You asked.
In a world of undercover enemies and moral ambiguity, Nazis represent an identifiable evil. Paradigms can infinitely shift, but we’ll always be able to look back and say, “Those jerks were the bad guys.”
Allied soldiers will tell you the war wasn’t glamorous or guilt-free, but that’s how it's characterized. Our generation wants to save the world, so we fantasize about killing Nazis (i.e. “Inglourious Basterds”). And while we’re at it, make ‘em zombies! On with the Nazi zombie slaughter-fest!
The “Dead Snow” wise man tells the group a horrific tale of murder, torture, greed and haunting. He says it’s unsafe to travel the mountains alone. Then he says something like, “It’s getting dark. I’d better go sleep alone on the mountainside.”
That wasn’t the best idea, but it is a more respectable demise than the next. Back at the cabin, the freewheelin’ Norwegians find a box of gold in Sara’s cabin, which they take for themselves because they are thieves. Then, Erland is like, “I have to take a dump,” and he goes to the outhouse, which gets his female interest, Chris, all hot and bothered. She mounts Erland while he is still on the toilet and they make a revolting facsimile of love. Then she stays behind to do her own toilet business while Erland goes inside to hide the shame I can only imagine he feels. Chris is soon confronted by a Nazi zombie who she cannot disarm with her lack of sexual standards and disregard for hygiene.
This is just a sampling of the absurd depravity of “Dead Snow.” It is awful. Awfully good. Ziiiiiiiing!
“Dead Snow” doesn’t do much new in its genre. Nazi zombies already exist in pop culture, from movies like “Shockwaves” to video games like “Call of Duty: World at War.” But this movie is a mixture of funny sensationalism, appalling gore and a few moments that are actually frightening.
Unfortunately, there is no zombie Hitler to get his comeuppance. There is a leader, Colonel Herzog, who wears a Third Reich officer’s uniform like Dennis’ dad in “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” He commands an army of reanimated, anti-Semitic corpses, so there is still plenty of fodder for elaborate death scenes.
Herzog is like the Rita Repulsa of Nazi zombies, and the Norwegian heroes are Mighty Morphin Power Rangers who die a lot more. If this sounds illogical, you probably shouldn’t watch “Dead Snow.” However, if you like turret guns mounted to snowmobiles and other things that are cool, you should.
TBR: Fievel fights Commies
Thu at 17:28pm on Feb 18th, 2010
This week in TReelville: An American Tail
Everyone loved “An American Tail” when they were little. It’s been awhile, but you probably remember Fievel. You probably remember hysterically sobbing to the song “Somewhere Out There.” You probably don’t remember Communists prosecuting Jews. Watch it again.
It’s actually a thinly disguised allegory for Jewish oppression in Soviet Russia. Gather the kids!
Fievel’s last name is Mousekewitz, a traditional Jewish surname. He and his family live in Shostka, Russia, where the cats hate Jews. So they decide to go to America because they are told “there are no cats in America.” But here’s the deal: There are cats in America.
Apart from questionable representations of Jews as rats coming to infiltrate New York by the boatload, this movie has some issues.
There’s a certain amount of jingoism and stereotyping that would seem more appropriate in a Disney film, but Walt Disney’s zombie corpse would be damned if it let some Jew be the hero of his movie. Real mice are Nazis. Just look at Mickey and Minnie’s lighter in the 1932 Disney short “The Wayward Canary.”
Obviously, the cats in “An American Tail” are the godless Soviets. They’re lurking in the American shadows, waiting to steal your vote and your freedom.
This movie was released in 1986, before Reagan karate-chopped the Berlin Wall down. Theoretically, the Cold War was still going on, and we wanted our children to grow up hating every pussy [cat] pinko who wanted to nuke our babies.
If that was the point of “An American Tail,” it failed. But, in fairness, that probably wasn’t the point. The point was that America is awesome. And if you’re ever a lost child in New York City, talk to as many strangers as possible. Eventually, an eccentric Frenchman will bathe you and sing to you.
TBR: Movies to heckle with your Valentine
Thu at 19:46pm on Feb 11th, 2010
This week in TReelville: Movies to heckle with your Valentine (a St. Valentine’s Day blasphemy)
There’s nothing wrong with Valentine’s Day, unless you count that St. Valentine was the patron saint of epilepsy, fainting and plague. Seriously.
It’s kind of weird, so this TReelville entry is themed around weird love.
We’re looking at a couple of movies on Instant Netflix that showcase emotional mutants. These movies are worth watching, but that doesn’t make them good. It’s like your friend’s miserable relationship that entertains you because you can’t wait to see what disaster happens next.
Grab your partner and start heckling, because Statler and Waldorf were way more fun than those dorks in “The Notebook.” Here are two movies you can make fun of with your Valentine.
Let me clarify that this is the 2008 version, not to be confused with the 2002 or 2009 version of the same name. Apparently there’s a wellspring of material.
A donkey punch is a mythical – and quite illegal – sex act that involves punching your partner’s brain stem. If you’re interested in researching it, possibly for your Master’s thesis on Gender Studies, check out the Urban Dictionary definitions here.
The movie is a campy thriller about a boatful of British kids whose innocent sex-crime somehow goes horribly awry.
For Josh (Julian Morris), punching brain stems seemed like such a good idea at the time. He and his Paleolithic bros had partied all night with what appears to be ugly hookers. There was Ecstasy, amphetamines, a yacht, techno music and an orgy. What could go wrong? Movies tell me that Europeans do this every night!
But when Bluey (Tom Burke) tells Josh, “You know what to do,” as Josh is having sex, Josh reasons that he should karate chop his bedmate in the spine. Cause of death: donkey punch.
It could happen.
This movie functions like a public service announcement. England must have been experiencing a wave of donkey-punch-related fatalities to warrant this movie.
And, really, the donkey punch is the most plausible death throughout the film. When the girls get wind that their friend was donkey-punched to death, they seem to understand. But when her body is thrown overboard, they get mad. Some other highlights are impaling by flare gun and a torso-shredding weed whacker.
It’s a great date movie. And the best part is that it’s sure to spawn sequels. “Donkey Punch” could be the new “Saw,” with people lined up to watch imaginative, sex-related death spectacles! Get ready for the IMAX summer blockbuster “Tea Bag,” the Oscar dark-horse “Tony Danza,” or next Christmas season’s “Hot Carl 3D”!
If you like Nicolas Cage as a conspiracy-thwarting sleuth in “National Treasure,” you’ll love him as a stalker angel who might or might not touch himself while invisibly staring at Meg Ryan in the bathtub in “City of Angels.”
My Valentine and I watched this movie because it got mentioned on Videogum’s “The Hunt for the Worst Movie of All Time.” We were prepared for garbage, but we were not prepared for the Dumpster that is “City of Angels.”
The premise is that Seth (Cage) is an angel in Los Angeles, which is symbolic because Los Angeles’ nickname is the City of Otherworldly Perverts.
Seth is a Schedule I creeper from the beginning. He waits for a little girl who dies, and he escorts her spirit away. She asks, “Where are we going?” He says, “Home.” She asks, “Can Mommy come?” Seth says “No,” and then he asks her what her favorite things are. At this point, the little girl wonders why Heaven looks a lot like an unmarked van.
When Seth meets Maggie (Ryan), he falls in love. You know it’s love because he asks her to describe a pear “just like Hemingway.” Maggie says it’s juicy and “grainy like a sugary sand that dissolves in your mouth.” Wow. That was just like Hemingway, because I shot myself in the face.
Seth is so taken by Maggie’s descriptive masterstroke that he shows his newfound affection by spying on her in the bathtub. Or watching her flirt with her boyfriend. Or telling her to close her eyes while all of his angel friends watch him touch her.
You’ll learn two things from this movie:
- It sucks to be an angel. They don’t know how food tastes, they waste their time watching humans look at each other “in such a way” and they fall in love with Meg Ryan. She’s just so spunky!
- It sucks to be Nicolas Cage. This movie will make you want to commit hate-crimes against angels. Cage went from “Wild At Heart” and “Raising Arizona” to “Bangkok Dangerous” and “Next.” Following some guilty-pleasure action movies, “City of Angels” was the beginning of Cage’s slide toward prostitution. He started shamelessly accepting any role for a paycheck because he needed those paychecks to pay for his dinosaur skull and shrunken head collections. Now he’s in financial ruin, but luckily for him “Ghost Rider 2” is in development.
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TBR: 'Big Fan'
Thu at 16:54pm on Feb 4th, 2010
This week in TReelville: “Big Fan”
There’s an old prescription that says you shouldn’t talk about politics, religions or sports when you’re drunk. The reason being that people care about those topics so much that they’re willing to die for them, at least religion. In “Big Fan,” Paul Aufiero (played by Patton Oswalt) and his best friend Sal (played by Kevin Corrigan) conflate this list. They are willing to die for their religion, but their altar is Giants Stadium.
Oswalt has made a name as an alternative stand-up comedian who makes obscure nerdy references. This was his first attempt at dramatic acting – “The King of Queens” doesn’t count – and he performs well. It’s probably because his obsessions with comic books and sci-fi aren’t that different from the obsessions of football acolytes. Sports fanatics just get a free pass. The phrase “sports nerd” feels oxymoronic.
Somewhere along the marketing line, “Big Fan” got mischaracterized as a black comedy. It’s not dark like “Happiness,” and there’s only a modicum of overt humor. Despite some funny moments – Paul’s man-child life serves as a perpetual joke – this movie is mostly an odd reflection on the life of a football fanatic.
There’s a difference between fandom and fanaticism. Fans cheer on their favorite teams. Fanatics post Craigslist ads for a “well-maintained, larger than average” left testicle in exchange for Super Bowl tickets.
“Big Fan” explores the fanatics. Paul and Sal go to every New York Giants home-game. They put on jerseys, tailgate and raucously yell for big plays.
But they’re not actually in the stadium. They’re watching in the parking lot on a TV hooked up to a car battery.
Paul, in his mid-30s, is broke and still lives with his mom. He works the graveyard shift as a parking lot attendant so he can listen to sports radio all night. He composes his thoughts for hours, writing and revising on a tablet, and then calls a local station to give his “impromptu” takes. Sal listens from his house and calls Paul to ask how Paul can speak so eloquently – usually Paul’s jeremiads revolve around epithets for Eagles fans – and Paul basks in his undeserved praise. Then he masturbates, goes to sleep and does it all again the next night. Football, football, football, coitus, sleep — and he’s probably thinking about football during the last two, as well.
This is Paul’s life.
It’s empty, but he’s happy, employed and harmless. He even has companionship in Sal. Paul is only hampered by a family who wants to push their traditional values onto him.
However, this prism shifts when, at a gas station, Paul and Sal randomly see their favorite player, fictional Giants quarterback Quantrell Bishop (QB, get it?). Instead of just saying “Hi,” or asking for an autograph, they stalk Bishop and his entourage throughout New York’s boroughs, eventually landing in a Manhattan strip club.
Inevitably, Bishop stomps in Paul’s face when he finds out about the tail. But when Bishop gets suspended, Paul blames himself. With a shiner and head trauma, he defends Bishop’s actions on talk radio. He refuses to sue. Even Bishop’s eventual return to the field — Paul lies to police so they can’t proceed with a criminal case — is sullied by a poor performance. “He was rusty,” Paul says, hating himself.
The mindset portrayed in “Big Fan” is sick, but it shouldn’t seem alien to anyone living in Pittsburgh.
This movie shows the effects of personalizing sports. Like many Steelers fanatics, Paul and Sal aren’t participants, but rather frenzied spectators.
The reflection is at once pitiful and disgusting. They aren’t good at anything else — maybe because they’ve never tried — so they pour themselves into a fantasy world. They have nothing to offer, so they cling to the accomplishments of others.
This is the difference between fans and fanatics. Fans can use sports as a way to relate to others, maybe even a way to lift others up through coaching or mentoring. They have a sense of connection to their own community and their own independence.
Fanatics memorize statistics that don’t have any bearing on their lives, their moods alter based on wins and losses, they hate opposing teams – maybe they throw coins at coaches – and they think their hoots have some impact on game outcomes. When Paul is talking to Sal about an upcoming game, he says, “There’s no way we can lose, not with us in the parking lot.”
“We.”
Paul doesn’t actually contribute to the Giants, unless you count all the paraphernalia he buys. It's participation through consumption. Of course, this happens in other societal sections. Sports, though, is the only sub-sect in which this behavior is encouraged.
Only the sports realm celebrates this type of fanaticism – costumes, face paint, tribalism, collective song-singing, parasocial relations and mood swings at the end of the show. This behavior would be considered insane elsewhere, or pathetic at best. Fanaticism in areas that aren’t sports is ridiculed (i.e. comic-book geeks, Dead Heads and avid gamers).
Pittsburgh is home to this split.
Steelers fanatics fit in. And they expect you to be in their cult. While I was walking on Bates Street one night, during a game, a porch-sitter yelled, “Where are your colors!? Do you know what town you’re in!?” This is normal here. It's even expected.
Yet, AnthroCon – aka the Furry Convention – is held in Pittsburgh every year, and met with the same derision every time. Furries dress up like their favorite anthropomorphized animals, talk about Furry trivia and immerse themselves in a fictional world that they can’t actually participate in.
They probably deserve some mockery. But sport fanatics aren’t different, there are just more of them.
While "Big Fan" is not “Death to Smoochy” or “Blue Velvet,” you should check it out to witness these superficial distinctions. If you can’t, though, just walk into any Pittsburgh bar for the Steelers’ opening game. You’ll get the idea.
Next week: Weird love (a St. Valentine’s Day hodge-podge)
DAVE'S BLOG ARCHIVE
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- December 2009 (3)
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Comments
Can we expect to see Nicholas
Can we expect to see Nicholas Cage co-star with the Rock in The Tooth Fairy 2?